The Teens Are Jumping Too Damn High

Every year around the dunk contest people begin to bitch. And then they start to moan. Then they go back to bitching, before dabbling a little more in moaning, until finally they crescendo into bitching and moaning simultaneously about how every dunk has been done and it’s too boring and blah, blah, blah. And then I see teenagers who have apparently cracked that whole “gravity” problem the rest of us are having and I laugh. Like a maniacal laugh as if I had just pulled off some sort of bank heist netting millions of dollars. One of these kids is going to legitimately dunk from the goddamn three point line sooner than later. People are hitting threes and catching the ball before it hits the ground and windmilling it all in one motion these days because humans are apparently athletic enough to do things like that now.

Is this Slamball? Cause if it’s Slamball then I understand what my eyes are showing me. But I don’t think this is SpikeTV’s Slamball. This very much looks like regular ol’ AAU basketball in a regular ol’ basketball gymnasium. And these teens are, inexplicably, still ascending even after their dunks have been completed. It’s utter insanity. These kids just went through all of Aaron Gordon’s routine in like 90 seconds. In game, in lay-up lines, doesn’t matter.